The Moment

It is rumored to be the last warm weekend of the year, and there was only one sensible thing to do, despite this being my prelim-prep month. The four of us trouble-makin' Tamayo's went to the beach!

One thing that I love about the beaches in Chicago is how urban they are. We usually go to Ohio Street Beach, which is right next to downtown, with towering glass edifices sticking their chests directly out to the wide open lake. As the sun moves across the west side of the sky, their shadows pierce eastward and sweep toward the beach (the beach in this location is north-facing).

After we had been in the shadow of one of these beasts for a chilly 30 minutes, I noticed the tops of just a couple of waves were glowing. I was holding Tula all wrapped up in a towel, when I told Bubs that the sun must have been reflecting off of a building in just the right way to do this. I kept watching until it became a fine trace of sunlight. It widened- only slightly- as it swept closer to the shore, where Torin was still kicking the waves as they broke.

I saw it coming, tucked Tula into her chair and hustled with my camera to catch these:


It wasn't a reflection at all, but the sun itself slipping through a sliver between two buildings. Just for a moment, he was in it...


... and just like that, it had passed.


Without any sadness or longing and not even relief, a new moment began. And then another, and another.

...

I'm back!

Wow. It's been one hell of a year!

I did end up learning a lot from my former PI but not at all what I expected to learn. She was mean! So mean. And I wanted to please her, interpreting her meanness as challenge, something that I love to rise to. She was inconsistent- one day reminding me to tell her when I needed a break (for kids, she said) and I would ask her for time for finals, but she would refuse. I got there early. I went home, nursed my infant, and went out to work again. I would provide data and she would shoot it down, without even looking at it. I would return home dazed, unable to interact with my children, lost in reviewing my data in my head, and obsessed with how she could find fault in it. My 'friends', students themselves, were not supportive, deciding that if they were in my place, they could deal with it. Finally, my PI stopped talking to other professors in the same section, and then some of her own staff--staff that I respect--stopped interacting with her. I finally understood that my 'friends' were wrong- she really was a uniquely vile as I thought, and I left.

I spent over a year in her lab. I had my daughter while I was there. I took less than two weeks off for maternity leave, because I wanted to work on a project that I believed in. Even as she begged me not to leave, I knew that I would have to sacrifice even more if I stayed, and I knew I could be just as productive, but in a better environment.

Just as I became a fragmented person, I learned so much about myself- both about who I was a bot over a year ago and about who I am still in the process of recreating. I learned about the world of competitive research. I learned about my beliefs and my hopes.

"What's all this "fragmented person" business?", you might be asking! I think if a person has been shattered- questioning everything about their existence- then that person knows what I mean. I've been trying to explain it to myself for a year, and it's only starting to make sense! Some versions of my explanations involve that I was trying to do too much, with too much pressure from too many people, but that's not it. Other versions involve that, due in part to my lack of experience, I failed to identify my former PI as a bad mentor. The same result is due to my lack of belief that a person would be intentionally hostile to someone they've invested in. I could write about women who bully women. I could write about mental health issues in research. I will, at some time, write about both.

Right now, though, I want to share what I think I would like to have read then. There's usually not one thing that makes a person depressed, and there's almost never one thing that makes them better. Eating good food, exercising, taking antidepressants, meditating, and going to talk therapy are all part of the package, but each one is a ritual that symbolizes your dedication to taking good care of yourself, loving yourself, honoring yourself, and being respectful of your whole self.

Mr. Torin and Tula-Roo have grown so much since I've posted last! I've engaged in my new research. My Dearest Chris left his jobs in SF so he can be here full time. (Looking for a job in Chicago in this economy in a city where we don't know anyone is seriously challenging.)

Meanwhile, we still get to be together, and do fun things for FREE in Chicago. I still get to study what I love to study, and be with three of the most fun people I've ever met!

I will most certainly reference my last year of hell, but I hereby dedicate this blog to living a good life while parenting, studying, looking for work and finding beauty and adventure where we can! Cheers to adventure!

The Marathon Runner

My PI is a marathon runner. I've often said that I would never run a marathon because it's so bad for so many parts of one's body, and that half marathons are better, and the fun would be about improving your time. The picture is not my PI- it is Joan Benoit, one of the greatest marathoners of all time.

I said "I love the part at the very beginning when you can hear everyone's shoes against the pavement. It's so exciting and it pushes me along."

"Oh, I hate that part- it makes me nervous and I lose my pace by starting too fast."

I can learn from this woman. Not that enjoying the excitement is bad, or that I shouldn't enjoy every part of a race (read "life"), but that I should be watchful of the things that might make me lose my pace. I should find a comfortable- even invigorating pace and defend it vigilantly.

Torin and Tula

My Daughter!

When Tula came home for the first time, Torin was taking a nap. When he woke up, we went to the crib to introduce her to him. Torin didn't want to acknowledge Tula at all--he turned his back immediately after he laid eyes on her. We tried to take a picture of them both on my lap, but when Tula was given to me, he pushed us away and climbed onto his Daddy right away. He's always grumpy after a nap, so I wasn't surprised... until he saw her getting a bottle!

He opened his mouth in a silent scream, with his hands as claws in front of him. He slowly melted to the floor, with tears sprinkling from his eyes- coming so fast they bounced from his eyes instead of rolling down his cheeks. He frunped to the ground and only then did he look at us with greater disappointment any adult would bother to feel about me. He felt betrayed.

But! After a meal he was a different boy. Suddenly, he couldn't stop touching her cheek with his index finger. He wanted to touch her all the time. Lucky for us all, he's gentle. He kept repeating "Baby girl! Baby girl!" "Baby Sister!" "Tula!"

Getting some lovin', whether she likes it or not!
True DiStéfano fashion!


He started daycare again on Monday, and the teachers told me that he kept on telling them all about Baby Girl. He felt proud of her, and proud of himself for being a big brother.

I'm proud of him too!

Pictures!

Two long blogs and no pictures! Has my sister taught me nothing?

This is Torin in Tehama helping Lola with her garden. We spent a while up there, as it provided peace, quiet and daycare so I could study for boards.

This is Cowboy Torin wearing his "Woo-ee" (Woody, ala Toy Story) hat after a hard day on the ranch. He was wearing it outside, mostly, and not inside, mostly, I swear.


And two more from Tehama. These pictures are making me want to go spend some time there! Torin absolutely loves being outside and walking around the fruit trees and helping with the garden. And I love the early mornings with the crisp air and huge birds (eagles!) flying overhead. The evenings are amazing too- with sunsets ablaze and from their house, the views go on and on.

One day, maybe one of my children with get married there. Right now, it's just weedy and the grass grows tall. We'll put grapes in terraces, and the trees will start to provide enough shade to grow more plants underneath. With the love and the care of my mother and father in law, it will turn into a lush garden with many places to sit and just be, or make art and write letters-even books. It will be like the family's own private Sundance resort, Buddhist retreat, and luxury spa, all at the same time. I'm glad my in-laws had the vision to make this investment when they did. I'm swelling with gratitude for them right now. The place is absolutely magical!

Next time I go, I'll have a daughter in tow. She'll meet a place that she can really connect to and that will be a constant for her whole life. I can only imagine that that would be important for her.

Waiting and waiting

I'm 41 weeks pregnant today. I have a scheduled induction tomorrow morning. When I made that appointment, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't go that late, as I wanted to start things naturally- just to know what it was like. (Torin was induced because I had gestational diabetes.) A week ago, I was really preparing for labor. I was resting a lot because I didn't want to go into labor tired. I was timing even the smallest contraction. Now, I've set the date out so far that I forget that I'm still pregnant- until I want to, say, get up or something.

I'm not the only one who feels that way either! Last week, Bubs was arranging elaborate schedules to ensure that I was never alone. Now I'm all alone (and enjoying it, actually- last time in a while, I suppose) while he's out at the park with Torin on his last day of being our only child.

Wishful thinking has pulled me into the ob triage room more than once. Both times, I called first and the nurses reluctantly but clearly told me that it was okay to come in.

The first time, I passed green mucus ball. My ob had stripped my membranes a couple of days earlier. I was shocked by how green it was. It was not greenish yellow, it was like avocado green--but toward the peel, not the seed. (That's pretty green!) Dr. Google said that it could be an infection, but uterine infections are very serious.

The nurse said it could be meconium, but I really doubted that because my water hadn't broken. Plus, it was rubbery, not dark and tarry. They looked at my amiotic fliud index- nope, not leaking at all.

They performed a speculum exam to look for anymore green rubbery mucus. The doc said "well this is sort of green" refering to something that was not green at all- beige with a little gray at best. The did a non stress test. She was perfectly healthy, not distressed at all. They took my urine- no infection. Despite this mystery, they callously sent me home. In truth, I just wanted to be in labor. Why couldn't they just help me along a little! I'm pretty sure they didn't believe me. (Medical school has not cured me of this sort of pouting.)

My sister found the best explanation for the color. One website suggested was that it was old blood- and it was like the color of a deep green bruise, so that's the story that I'm sticking to. However, if anyone else experiences this, take a picture!

The second time I went to ob triage hoping for labor, I was having contractions that were 4-5 minutes apart but not so strong that I had to vocalize- breathing through them was fine. It was this way for hours, so I called to come in, and after checking my cervix and doing a non stress test, they sent me home again. My reason for pouting this time was that my cervix didn't change until after I got the epidural last time (then it went from 2-10 in 15 miniutes). But really, those contractions, though regular, were not the gripping ones that take your smile away. They've continued but haven't gotten stronger since then.

Now I don't even mention my contractions unless I'm asked to get up in the middle of one. I'm resigned to this waiting, and resigned to not knowing what it feels like to go into labor naturally. I'm a bit sad about it, but after learning that my mom was 19, 3, 9, and 12 days late with her four children, I'll be glad to accept the induction and finally meet my little girl.

Some Purpose

Frankly, this blog is a little embarrassing. It's self-indulgent and pure stream-of-consciousness. When I was having a hard time as a mother, medical student, and being separated from my family, I looked for blogs that would provide insight. I didn't find anything. Other mother/medical students didn't have time to blog (maybe I should have learned from that!) and the few that did had completely different issues. I looked for mothers who were separated from their families, and I resonated emotionally with them, I didn't gain insight into my situation. I started this blog because I wanted to be there for myself- or, obviously, someone like myself--or maybe to keep looking for insight that would help me through the most challenging times.

The most challenging times were NOT the times that I was incredibly busy, like, right before a test. It was when I wasn't busy and Torin and Bubs were not here to enjoy. Finding circumstantial solutions to emotional problems took a long time. I did learn, but as I'm having another baby (tomorrow) I need to reinforce what I learned, so here I go.

Lesson Learned #1) The importance of routine.
School is fast-paced. Child-raising is slow-paced. The only way to do both is to be able to prepare for both. School (fast!) during the day and child (s l o w) in the evening. By limiting time at school, I set higher, faster expectations. I enjoy this time very much, and even more when I feel "on it" like I'm doing everything I can to set myself up for success. Then I can feel happy and proud and present for my child.

The other advantage of routine is that it sets up expectations that I'll see my child again, and he'll see me again. It builds trust/eliminates insecurity and expands horizons.

Lesson Learned #2) Good childcare is a Godsend.
I have a pretty traditional husband along these lines, and I myself was raised at home until kindergarten, so the thought of leaving my little baby with strangers, who might not even remember my precious package years down the road felt a lot like a double loss; it felt like paying to not keep those priceless memories!
Since we don't have a car, I needed a daycare that was close by and that Torin would love. Luckily, the closest one to us is also the best one I've found. The only downside is expense, but I am glad to pay so that Torin's teachers can have healthcare, etc. There are a lot of subsidized programs out there too, but they either don't take kids as young, they don't offer the schedule or flexibility, or they are far away.
I need to add here: As all things that are Godsends, don't try to get it for less than it's worth. It's a terrible thing when dogwalkers make more money than the people that love and nurture your children. Find a way for child care to really work for the people caring for your children!
Another day, I'll write about the invaluable things that good daycares are designed to provide.

Lesson Learned (but really already known) #3) Keep perspective
I love going to grab a beer with my friends. But even more that that, I love feeling that my life is going somewhere, that I'm in control, and that I'm excited and I know I'm prepared for the challenges that I signed up for. Feeling this way and having a routine makes me better at every part of my routine. When I know what I'm gaining it doens't seem like a sacrifice at all.

I'll stop there but add to it later, as I learn more. These are concrete things that I learned in the last two years. It's been a steep learning curve.