I found these blogs when I searched for doctor or med student mother. Then I read the comments, and clicked on the interesting ones, I found potential friend after potential friend. The more I learn about them the more I like them. The last one I was reading was Snickollet. You should check her out.
I performed this search (for the blogs of mothers who were med students or physicians) because I've been really feeling torn about being a med student and a mom. I worry that I can't be good at both things. When I was in undergrad, and as a master's student, I was so focused on what I was learning that there wasn't time for thinking about anything else. I could wake up and think about what I was learning the day before, and have a refreshed perspective and enthusiasm about it. There's this guy in my program who is a lot like that, and it's like he has the perfect synergy with the material. You can practically see his "rewards center" light up like Christmas when he sees a long list of random disjointed facts that he has to be able to recite verbatim by the next morning.
So you can tell that I am not so excited about it. I need some sort of shift in perspective in order to improve my perspective. I have enough time, I know I do. Typically, I figure out how to do something right just as it's ending. I don't want that to be the case in this stage of my life. But if I had to choose, I'd rather be a great mom and minimize the damage I do as a student.
When I wake up, my first thought is about my son. Before I go to sleep, my last thought is about my son. I get by in class, but as much as I say "hey, I just need to pass these classes and learning is for my own good" and "the boards is what matters anyway" I still feel like I should be more present and engage with the material like unnamed irish guy in my program does.
Then when I do pick up the pace and start to thrive on learning the stuff, I get scared that I will miss things in Torin's life. Like, he steps into his pants now. He says "shoes" and "go go go!" I want to believe that I saw the first time, but I didn't. I am allowing myself to say that it's hard to be the mom that I want to be and the student that I want to me.
But I am! The reason I am is that I have a wonderful relationship with my son, and I have a kick-ass husband that takes care of our son (and me) and who is easy to talk to and is a good listener. He also believes in me. (And school? I have time to settle in, and getting passing rather than honors really isn't a big deal. It swells a little. I am not satisfied with my performance in school. I could be doing a lot better, without sacrificing my relationship with my family. Bubba and Torin go to California frequently enough that I have plenty of time to catch up with studying, but I don't exactly manage that time very well.)
Things could be so different. I don't have to put Torin in daycare, and deal with the logistics of that. We are well taken care of, and for one student one SAHD (stay at home dad) that's a big deal. Things could be different, but I wouldn't give up anything. I would just add, keep adding to the big complicated mess that I never cease to develop. It's a joyful mess. Every little piece of it is a joyful piece. Bubba likes toys. He also likes comic books. I thought that was going to drive me up a wall, but now I love it. When I tell him about my day, or about how I've been feeling, he comes up with some action hero story that relates to it, with yours truly carefully cast as the superhero. My favorite is when I get tempted to indulge self doubt, I remember a story about some superhero with a green mohawk whose power is confidence, and that he can do anything--beat The Hulk in arm wrestling--anything as long as he wasn't poisoned with doubt. When he told me about that, I stopped obsessing and just listened to stories about this character. How cool is that?
So cool.
