Some Purpose

Frankly, this blog is a little embarrassing. It's self-indulgent and pure stream-of-consciousness. When I was having a hard time as a mother, medical student, and being separated from my family, I looked for blogs that would provide insight. I didn't find anything. Other mother/medical students didn't have time to blog (maybe I should have learned from that!) and the few that did had completely different issues. I looked for mothers who were separated from their families, and I resonated emotionally with them, I didn't gain insight into my situation. I started this blog because I wanted to be there for myself- or, obviously, someone like myself--or maybe to keep looking for insight that would help me through the most challenging times.

The most challenging times were NOT the times that I was incredibly busy, like, right before a test. It was when I wasn't busy and Torin and Bubs were not here to enjoy. Finding circumstantial solutions to emotional problems took a long time. I did learn, but as I'm having another baby (tomorrow) I need to reinforce what I learned, so here I go.

Lesson Learned #1) The importance of routine.
School is fast-paced. Child-raising is slow-paced. The only way to do both is to be able to prepare for both. School (fast!) during the day and child (s l o w) in the evening. By limiting time at school, I set higher, faster expectations. I enjoy this time very much, and even more when I feel "on it" like I'm doing everything I can to set myself up for success. Then I can feel happy and proud and present for my child.

The other advantage of routine is that it sets up expectations that I'll see my child again, and he'll see me again. It builds trust/eliminates insecurity and expands horizons.

Lesson Learned #2) Good childcare is a Godsend.
I have a pretty traditional husband along these lines, and I myself was raised at home until kindergarten, so the thought of leaving my little baby with strangers, who might not even remember my precious package years down the road felt a lot like a double loss; it felt like paying to not keep those priceless memories!
Since we don't have a car, I needed a daycare that was close by and that Torin would love. Luckily, the closest one to us is also the best one I've found. The only downside is expense, but I am glad to pay so that Torin's teachers can have healthcare, etc. There are a lot of subsidized programs out there too, but they either don't take kids as young, they don't offer the schedule or flexibility, or they are far away.
I need to add here: As all things that are Godsends, don't try to get it for less than it's worth. It's a terrible thing when dogwalkers make more money than the people that love and nurture your children. Find a way for child care to really work for the people caring for your children!
Another day, I'll write about the invaluable things that good daycares are designed to provide.

Lesson Learned (but really already known) #3) Keep perspective
I love going to grab a beer with my friends. But even more that that, I love feeling that my life is going somewhere, that I'm in control, and that I'm excited and I know I'm prepared for the challenges that I signed up for. Feeling this way and having a routine makes me better at every part of my routine. When I know what I'm gaining it doens't seem like a sacrifice at all.

I'll stop there but add to it later, as I learn more. These are concrete things that I learned in the last two years. It's been a steep learning curve.

My Dreams

All I want to do right now is hang out with my families. I miss my Mom, sister, brothers. I miss my son and my husband. I miss Hat, Fred, George ... And yet. I have this gigantic thesis in the way between me and them, and I'm starting to really resent it.

For those of you who have written theses, please give some advice. The best advice might be "chill out" but I have a hard time doing that. See every extra day that I spend on it makes the whole schedule for the next month trickier. I want need to give the thesis to the Prof, get his approval (for which I'm budgeting a week, tops), give it to the other members of the thesis committee, let them review it, make their suggested revisions and then submit it to grad studies. That's all fine, but I need to make it to Provo for a couple of weeks too, so I can see my whole family and spend some time with my son, who I haven't seen for 13 days. In fact, in the last 28 days, I've only spent 8 with him. Here, want a picture? Yeah, me too.


That's a few months ago. Obviously, we were in the Doctor's office. Truthfully, he and my husband were in the Dr's office, they just sent me the picture. I was in school. :(

I am having trouble focusing on it. I busted my butt for the last solid week, and every time I look at it, my heart sinks! It's still so rough. The intro is especially weak, so when I START it's just awful. I'll put it away, read a little, then maybe the intro will work itself out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a hands-off kind of writer. I write by reading, it's a zen thing.

So I also want to be back for a stem cell grad class that starts on the 25th of August. And I'm going to miss some med school too. Which if fine, but I'd rather have fun missing school instead of running around printing out the thesis, etc.


They even sleep the same way! Torin's left handed, though. One of the few features he got from me.

I'm totally skipping around. Sorry. I was complaining! Oh yeah, and I was just about to stop complaining. Because I do like all the school I'm skipping between. Grad school. Med school. Other grad school. Rockin'! I shouldn't complain.

And it'll be fine, right? The thesis is almost not crappy. I will work tomorrow, and then on Sunday, and on Monday, and then I'll give it to Prof. I don't know how I'll get his revisions, because I'll be in Utah. But then when I do, I'll make the changes, kick it back to him, give it to the committee, all of which I can do from Utah. Getting their revisions will be tricky, but I can changes stuff in Utah too, but I have to be there to give it to Graduate Studies. Aghrrrr. Somehow, this will work out.