On video skype with my brother Steve, g-chatting with my sister Raquel, texting my dear Chris and my other brother Marcos, while Steve has Mom on speaker phone as we try to convince her that I'm really there with Steve in Hawaii. This is how we bid our Major Brother farewell the night before he goes to Afghanistan, leaving his wife and two children at home in Hawaii for six months. We'll be able to do the Skype when he is in Afghanistan, and in this sense, it will be comforting to feel that the world is small.
Times, they are changing. Nations trying to fight wars with terrorists, like a fist trying to punch an idea. I don't understand our strategy in Afghanistan, mostly because I don't see the benefit of an endless occupation. Afghanistan is a gorgeous country, and is undoubtedly worth saving, but is that what we're doing there? In the 90's, I received letters from Amnesty International asking me to urge our politicians to take a stand on the treatment of women, saying that Afghani women used to be professors and lawyers, but they were being brutalized by the fundamentalist Taliban. This was ongoing for 20 years before 9-11, well before we were sold the war in Iraq partially because of their treatment of women. Skepticism of war policy is my nature and remains so even my with my big brother headed over there.
This is me trying to make sense of a new foreign policy. Struggling.
I know that the US has real and powerful enemies, and I understand that it is the job of the military to stay vigilant. I've learned about the Clash of Civilizations, and that our civilization, despite what our voting demographics or protest placards tell you, stands in favor of free speech, free press, civil liberties, freedom of and from (!) religion, free enterprise, equal rights, etc. ( I feel silly writing this, because as I do, I can think of a million ways in which our freedoms have been violated.) I'm not addressing individual motions or events. I mean, in general, these things are valued in our civilization, so much that for some people, they are deemed self-evident truths. But it's a mistake and simply incorrect to think that they are basic principles for all of humanity. Some civilizations do not value these things, and this is where the CLASH part comes in.
Our world is getting smaller, and the notion of "live and let live" seems to be unrealistic and maybe as immoral as cultural relativism.
One more plea: Maybe we need to slow down. Maybe we need to allow civilizations to merge, to educate each other, to show each other the benefits of different ways of doing things. Maybe, just maybe, we can slow this clash down, and as confusing as life can be, we can always invest in what we know is good, what's important to us- family, community, environment, good will, charitable acts, education, health, personal peace, expression of ideas... Is there any chance that our very real, very powerful, imperfect enemies would do the same? While I'm here, my brother is at war, and all I can do is live a life rooted in these principles.
DISCLAIMER: This is what I'm thinking now. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, I just know it's not as simple as I thought things were when I was 19. I'll freely challenge all of these thoughts, until I feel as though I've grasped some larger truth. I only have very small truths right now, one of which is that I love my brother with all my heart, that I support him in every breath that he takes, where ever he takes it, that I have deeply mixed feelings about where he's going, I feel one way only about him.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
19 weeks down, 21 to go, Boards, Torin
I'm past the brutal parts of the pregnancy. It was so awful I can't do it again, which saddens me greatly, but I just need to focus on the two children that I do have. Today I felt her kicks on the outside for the first time!
Looking at pictures of my first child makes me long for an infinite number of children. The last day of my trip to SF, we went for a forty-five minute walk... around the block. For Torin, a walk isn't about getting your heart rate up. It's about being in a new place, that just so happens to be right next to the place where he just was. The sun was blindingly bright. We had to choose what we looked at carefully. My eyes were glued on him. He focused on new beautiful things. We both saw the world as though it was the first time. We sat on the sidewalk and counted blooms on flower bushes. He ran his little finger over the stucco siding on the corner house.
It's all a practice of being "present". In violation of that:
This is Torin playing outside Nona's yard last summer. We found five or six of those rocks a few days later in his diaper. He slept well after that!
I miss him terribly. On the other front, I have been able to get a lot of school work done. It's nice to study early and take my time with the material. I think that missing Torin keeps me on track now, whereas before it made it impossible to focus. I'm not sure what's changed. He's a little older and so am I. Last year I decided to accept the sadness, and by doing so, I decided to not let it interfere with the rest of my life. Of course I'm sad. I'd be inhuman if I weren't. But I'm also grateful that I can study and enhance my life in other ways.
I take boards in just fourteen weeks! The countdown has begun.
Looking at pictures of my first child makes me long for an infinite number of children. The last day of my trip to SF, we went for a forty-five minute walk... around the block. For Torin, a walk isn't about getting your heart rate up. It's about being in a new place, that just so happens to be right next to the place where he just was. The sun was blindingly bright. We had to choose what we looked at carefully. My eyes were glued on him. He focused on new beautiful things. We both saw the world as though it was the first time. We sat on the sidewalk and counted blooms on flower bushes. He ran his little finger over the stucco siding on the corner house.
It's all a practice of being "present". In violation of that:
This is Torin playing outside Nona's yard last summer. We found five or six of those rocks a few days later in his diaper. He slept well after that!
I miss him terribly. On the other front, I have been able to get a lot of school work done. It's nice to study early and take my time with the material. I think that missing Torin keeps me on track now, whereas before it made it impossible to focus. I'm not sure what's changed. He's a little older and so am I. Last year I decided to accept the sadness, and by doing so, I decided to not let it interfere with the rest of my life. Of course I'm sad. I'd be inhuman if I weren't. But I'm also grateful that I can study and enhance my life in other ways.
I take boards in just fourteen weeks! The countdown has begun.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Food Cravings when it's 5 degrees F outside
This pregnancy is more dramatic than the last one. The nausea and vomiting is worse, the consequences worse, I need more help, I sleep more, have worse constipation... and I'm only 8 weeks along. My son is asleep in the other room, leaving me subject to reptilian ravenousness.
I write this as I am sucking down lemon after salted lemon. I'm trembling with need for these lemons, sure they'll be the only thing I don't throw up.
Except for the avocados that my dear husband is hunting for now. (Avocados? In December? In Chicago?) When he returns with his proud conquest in his arms, I'll skin them, sprinkle them with pepper and eat their green flesh right off the plump seed. Then I'll eat the next one.
I think my "human" brain is completely off the hook. I'd be sure of it if I didn't need seasoning.
I write this as I am sucking down lemon after salted lemon. I'm trembling with need for these lemons, sure they'll be the only thing I don't throw up.
Except for the avocados that my dear husband is hunting for now. (Avocados? In December? In Chicago?) When he returns with his proud conquest in his arms, I'll skin them, sprinkle them with pepper and eat their green flesh right off the plump seed. Then I'll eat the next one.
I think my "human" brain is completely off the hook. I'd be sure of it if I didn't need seasoning.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Some of the boys in my life
I'm a big believer in contemplating desire. I think this comes from being a youngest kid, and getting to see what my older siblings want, assuming that I wanted the same thing, reaching my late teens, realizing that I don't want the same things and having to start from scratch. For years, when I noticed that I wanted something I was ecstatic. It should be easier than that, right? Not for me!
And frankly, I am much much stronger for knowing what I want, and that I want it, not anybody else.
This is not what I meant to write about. In the last entry, "My Dreams", I said that I wanted AND I GOT IT ALL!!! It was SHEER BLISS, and I will spend the next few months recounting it. That way, I get to experience it twice (what's going on Anais Nin).
Both of my boys was with my for one weekend- for my Mom's 60th birthday bash. During that weekend, I rediscovered one gem of Utah Valley, and that's Sundance. Technically, it's in Provo Canyon, not the valley, but it's just 15 minutes away from where my mom and sister live. Just behind these two handsome boys is a quote, written by Robert Redford, about the similarities between and the interconnectedness of nature and creativity. It's worth thinking about, especially if you get to do so in Sundance. There in the hallway where Chris and Toin and standing are amazing pictures of legendary performers while they were producing their art at Sundance.
There's a nature camp there that I would love to send Torin to for a summer after he turns five. Yeah, ME, making future plans in Utah, and even involving my own vulnerable children. What can I say, I had a great time!
This picture was taken at Mom's Sixtieth. The handsome fellow I'm dancing with is my brother Steve. We were both being camera people while everyone else was dancing, until he decided to swing me out into the crowd and dance too! It was so fun that seconds went by before I realized that I'd better document the fun!
We all had a blast, including our dearest Mommacita, also known as MM, or Mama Mia. She must have not been expecting it because we were about 19 days early. She enjoyed her fifties even more after the party. Heck, maybe next year we'll celebrate her seventieth birthday, so she can have more fun in her sixties! Momma, I wish we could relive that party over and over again!
Here is my
other brother Marcos.
He was on barbeque duty, so he didn't get out on the dance floor much either. But he sure did cook some delicious meat! His extract of being an Argentine revolves around the grill. He knows where to find the best cuts of meat and how to prepare them.
Each of my brothers have two children. Steve's kids are named Steven (Bito for short) and Sabrina. Marcos's kids are Hannah and Garrett. All four of these children are amazing: smart and talented and awfully good lookin'! It's getting late, but I will dedicate an evening to describing each of them.
And frankly, I am much much stronger for knowing what I want, and that I want it, not anybody else.
This is not what I meant to write about. In the last entry, "My Dreams", I said that I wanted AND I GOT IT ALL!!! It was SHEER BLISS, and I will spend the next few months recounting it. That way, I get to experience it twice (what's going on Anais Nin).
Both of my boys was with my for one weekend- for my Mom's 60th birthday bash. During that weekend, I rediscovered one gem of Utah Valley, and that's Sundance. Technically, it's in Provo Canyon, not the valley, but it's just 15 minutes away from where my mom and sister live. Just behind these two handsome boys is a quote, written by Robert Redford, about the similarities between and the interconnectedness of nature and creativity. It's worth thinking about, especially if you get to do so in Sundance. There in the hallway where Chris and Toin and standing are amazing pictures of legendary performers while they were producing their art at Sundance.There's a nature camp there that I would love to send Torin to for a summer after he turns five. Yeah, ME, making future plans in Utah, and even involving my own vulnerable children. What can I say, I had a great time!
This picture was taken at Mom's Sixtieth. The handsome fellow I'm dancing with is my brother Steve. We were both being camera people while everyone else was dancing, until he decided to swing me out into the crowd and dance too! It was so fun that seconds went by before I realized that I'd better document the fun!We all had a blast, including our dearest Mommacita, also known as MM, or Mama Mia. She must have not been expecting it because we were about 19 days early. She enjoyed her fifties even more after the party. Heck, maybe next year we'll celebrate her seventieth birthday, so she can have more fun in her sixties! Momma, I wish we could relive that party over and over again!
Here is my
other brother Marcos.He was on barbeque duty, so he didn't get out on the dance floor much either. But he sure did cook some delicious meat! His extract of being an Argentine revolves around the grill. He knows where to find the best cuts of meat and how to prepare them.
Each of my brothers have two children. Steve's kids are named Steven (Bito for short) and Sabrina. Marcos's kids are Hannah and Garrett. All four of these children are amazing: smart and talented and awfully good lookin'! It's getting late, but I will dedicate an evening to describing each of them.
Friday, August 1, 2008
My Dreams
All I want to do right now is hang out with my families. I miss my Mom, sister, brothers. I miss my son and my husband. I miss Hat, Fred, George ... And yet. I have this gigantic thesis in the way between me and them, and I'm starting to really resent it.
For those of you who have written theses, please give some advice. The best advice might be "chill out" but I have a hard time doing that. See every extra day that I spend on it makes the whole schedule for the next month trickier. I want need to give the thesis to the Prof, get his approval (for which I'm budgeting a week, tops), give it to the other members of the thesis committee, let them review it, make their suggested revisions and then submit it to grad studies. That's all fine, but I need to make it to Provo for a couple of weeks too, so I can see my whole family and spend some time with my son, who I haven't seen for 13 days. In fact, in the last 28 days, I've only spent 8 with him. Here, want a picture? Yeah, me too.
That's a few months ago. Obviously, we were in the Doctor's office. Truthfully, he and my husband were in the Dr's office, they just sent me the picture. I was in school. :(
I am having trouble focusing on it. I busted my butt for the last solid week, and every time I look at it, my heart sinks! It's still so rough. The intro is especially weak, so when I START it's just awful. I'll put it away, read a little, then maybe the intro will work itself out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a hands-off kind of writer. I write by reading, it's a zen thing.
So I also want to be back for a stem cell grad class that starts on the 25th of August. And I'm going to miss some med school too. Which if fine, but I'd rather have fun missing school instead of running around printing out the thesis, etc.
They even sleep the same way! Torin's left handed, though. One of the few features he got from me.
I'm totally skipping around. Sorry. I was complaining! Oh yeah, and I was just about to stop complaining. Because I do like all the school I'm skipping between. Grad school. Med school. Other grad school. Rockin'! I shouldn't complain.
And it'll be fine, right? The thesis is almost not crappy. I will work tomorrow, and then on Sunday, and on Monday, and then I'll give it to Prof. I don't know how I'll get his revisions, because I'll be in Utah. But then when I do, I'll make the changes, kick it back to him, give it to the committee, all of which I can do from Utah. Getting their revisions will be tricky, but I can changes stuff in Utah too, but I have to be there to give it to Graduate Studies. Aghrrrr. Somehow, this will work out.
For those of you who have written theses, please give some advice. The best advice might be "chill out" but I have a hard time doing that. See every extra day that I spend on it makes the whole schedule for the next month trickier. I want need to give the thesis to the Prof, get his approval (for which I'm budgeting a week, tops), give it to the other members of the thesis committee, let them review it, make their suggested revisions and then submit it to grad studies. That's all fine, but I need to make it to Provo for a couple of weeks too, so I can see my whole family and spend some time with my son, who I haven't seen for 13 days. In fact, in the last 28 days, I've only spent 8 with him. Here, want a picture? Yeah, me too.
That's a few months ago. Obviously, we were in the Doctor's office. Truthfully, he and my husband were in the Dr's office, they just sent me the picture. I was in school. :(
I am having trouble focusing on it. I busted my butt for the last solid week, and every time I look at it, my heart sinks! It's still so rough. The intro is especially weak, so when I START it's just awful. I'll put it away, read a little, then maybe the intro will work itself out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a hands-off kind of writer. I write by reading, it's a zen thing.
So I also want to be back for a stem cell grad class that starts on the 25th of August. And I'm going to miss some med school too. Which if fine, but I'd rather have fun missing school instead of running around printing out the thesis, etc.
They even sleep the same way! Torin's left handed, though. One of the few features he got from me.
I'm totally skipping around. Sorry. I was complaining! Oh yeah, and I was just about to stop complaining. Because I do like all the school I'm skipping between. Grad school. Med school. Other grad school. Rockin'! I shouldn't complain.
And it'll be fine, right? The thesis is almost not crappy. I will work tomorrow, and then on Sunday, and on Monday, and then I'll give it to Prof. I don't know how I'll get his revisions, because I'll be in Utah. But then when I do, I'll make the changes, kick it back to him, give it to the committee, all of which I can do from Utah. Getting their revisions will be tricky, but I can changes stuff in Utah too, but I have to be there to give it to Graduate Studies. Aghrrrr. Somehow, this will work out.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
HUGE AHA! moment! (Or ohm moment or whatever.)
Torin and Chris are gone. I finally started to feel better! I've been getting depressed every time they left since this started last year. It's been a year, really, since I've been going from totally happy and functional while they are here to completely depressed and dead when they are gone. I've tried to psyche myself out of it in every way I could. Before I knew what was happening I was drinking a lot. Then when I couldn't drink, I had to study and function, I couldn't focus, I felt panicky and I wanted to hurt myself. I hadn't felt that way since my family fell apart when I was 11, and I felt that way until I went to Argentina when I was 15. I figured it was just angsty hormonal girl, but there I was, 30+, feeling the same way.
I tried to cope, tried to read about or notice how other people cope with being away from their families. Nothing seemed reasonable or good. It looked like my choices were to become indifferent or angry, to pretend I preferred it when they are gone, or, the maybe the least destructive, to drink a whole lot of alcohol. Just to be clear,
We reevaluated our situation a million times. Every time, it seemed like this was the best thing to do in the long run, and knowing this, I just felt like while sure it's a sacrifice, it's one that will benefit us all maximally in the long run.
I don't know what happened today but something inside me broke. It's like I finally accepted my sadness, and I've surrendered to it. Now, all I can do is deal with it. What I do now is my choice, and I choose to be happy, to want my family more than anything, and knowing they are happy and that our relationship is strong, I chose to be okay. And now I'm doing something that I haven't been able in a damn long time. Crying like a baby. I'm just so grateful.
Torin and Chris are gone. I finally started to feel better! I've been getting depressed every time they left since this started last year. It's been a year, really, since I've been going from totally happy and functional while they are here to completely depressed and dead when they are gone. I've tried to psyche myself out of it in every way I could. Before I knew what was happening I was drinking a lot. Then when I couldn't drink, I had to study and function, I couldn't focus, I felt panicky and I wanted to hurt myself. I hadn't felt that way since my family fell apart when I was 11, and I felt that way until I went to Argentina when I was 15. I figured it was just angsty hormonal girl, but there I was, 30+, feeling the same way.
I tried to cope, tried to read about or notice how other people cope with being away from their families. Nothing seemed reasonable or good. It looked like my choices were to become indifferent or angry, to pretend I preferred it when they are gone, or, the maybe the least destructive, to drink a whole lot of alcohol. Just to be clear,
We reevaluated our situation a million times. Every time, it seemed like this was the best thing to do in the long run, and knowing this, I just felt like while sure it's a sacrifice, it's one that will benefit us all maximally in the long run.
I don't know what happened today but something inside me broke. It's like I finally accepted my sadness, and I've surrendered to it. Now, all I can do is deal with it. What I do now is my choice, and I choose to be happy, to want my family more than anything, and knowing they are happy and that our relationship is strong, I chose to be okay. And now I'm doing something that I haven't been able in a damn long time. Crying like a baby. I'm just so grateful.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sorry for the delay. I'll treat the three of you to a lovely picture. Here you go:
Now, to more serious matters. First, I should mention that I do rotations at an ob/gyn clinic.
I have to know about YOUR PERSONAL experiences (or ones of a friend) at the ob/gynie that made the whole thing terrible or that made you more comfortable than ever before. Most women hate going to get a pap smear, and, probably as a result, delay it. This obviously has terrible consequences from a public health standpoint. Some of the things I hear that make it easier are things like, when the Dr is doing the exams, she/he should maintain a conversation and eye contact as much as possible. Another positive thing I heard is that the gyn has asked you to relax your muscles and take a deep breath.
There are waaaaaay more negative examples! Too many examples! Some are pretty hilarious or devastatingly upsetting, depending on how much time has passed. (MM says "crisis plus time equals humor.") (That's way way more charming when you put her not-thick-but-not-light-either Argentine accent over it.) Some I've heard:
When asked whether everything looked healthy, the doc said "yeeeesss???" in a questioning voice, as if to say "I've never seen anything like that!"
During an internal exam, the Doctor upon "noticing" that patient is nervous, says "Now I know you've had bigger things than my two fingers in here." Seriously! It's happened!
I want to hear your stories, both good and bad. I will share them with other docs-in-training and we will improve women's health care.
Now, to more serious matters. First, I should mention that I do rotations at an ob/gyn clinic.
I have to know about YOUR PERSONAL experiences (or ones of a friend) at the ob/gynie that made the whole thing terrible or that made you more comfortable than ever before. Most women hate going to get a pap smear, and, probably as a result, delay it. This obviously has terrible consequences from a public health standpoint. Some of the things I hear that make it easier are things like, when the Dr is doing the exams, she/he should maintain a conversation and eye contact as much as possible. Another positive thing I heard is that the gyn has asked you to relax your muscles and take a deep breath.
There are waaaaaay more negative examples! Too many examples! Some are pretty hilarious or devastatingly upsetting, depending on how much time has passed. (MM says "crisis plus time equals humor.") (That's way way more charming when you put her not-thick-but-not-light-either Argentine accent over it.) Some I've heard:
When asked whether everything looked healthy, the doc said "yeeeesss???" in a questioning voice, as if to say "I've never seen anything like that!"
During an internal exam, the Doctor upon "noticing" that patient is nervous, says "Now I know you've had bigger things than my two fingers in here." Seriously! It's happened!
I want to hear your stories, both good and bad. I will share them with other docs-in-training and we will improve women's health care.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
