Some of the boys in my life

I'm a big believer in contemplating desire. I think this comes from being a youngest kid, and getting to see what my older siblings want, assuming that I wanted the same thing, reaching my late teens, realizing that I don't want the same things and having to start from scratch. For years, when I noticed that I wanted something I was ecstatic. It should be easier than that, right? Not for me!
And frankly, I am much much stronger for knowing what I want, and that I want it, not anybody else.
This is not what I meant to write about. In the last entry, "My Dreams", I said that I wanted AND I GOT IT ALL!!! It was SHEER BLISS, and I will spend the next few months recounting it. That way, I get to experience it twice (what's going on Anais Nin).
Both of my boys was with my for one weekend- for my Mom's 60th birthday bash. During that weekend, I rediscovered one gem of Utah Valley, and that's Sundance. Technically, it's in Provo Canyon, not the valley, but it's just 15 minutes away from where my mom and sister live. Just behind these two handsome boys is a quote, written by Robert Redford, about the similarities between and the interconnectedness of nature and creativity. It's worth thinking about, especially if you get to do so in Sundance. There in the hallway where Chris and Toin and standing are amazing pictures of legendary performers while they were producing their art at Sundance.

There's a nature camp there that I would love to send Torin to for a summer after he turns five. Yeah, ME, making future plans in Utah, and even involving my own vulnerable children. What can I say, I had a great time!

This picture was taken at Mom's Sixtieth. The handsome fellow I'm dancing with is my brother Steve. We were both being camera people while everyone else was dancing, until he decided to swing me out into the crowd and dance too! It was so fun that seconds went by before I realized that I'd better document the fun!

We all had a blast, including our dearest Mommacita, also known as MM, or Mama Mia. She must have not been expecting it because we were about 19 days early. She enjoyed her fifties even more after the party. Heck, maybe next year we'll celebrate her seventieth birthday, so she can have more fun in her sixties! Momma, I wish we could relive that party over and over again!

Here is my other brother Marcos.
He was on barbeque duty, so he didn't get out on the dance floor much either. But he sure did cook some delicious meat! His extract of being an Argentine revolves around the grill. He knows where to find the best cuts of meat and how to prepare them.

Each of my brothers have two children. Steve's kids are named Steven (Bito for short) and Sabrina. Marcos's kids are Hannah and Garrett. All four of these children are amazing: smart and talented and awfully good lookin'! It's getting late, but I will dedicate an evening to describing each of them.

My Dreams

All I want to do right now is hang out with my families. I miss my Mom, sister, brothers. I miss my son and my husband. I miss Hat, Fred, George ... And yet. I have this gigantic thesis in the way between me and them, and I'm starting to really resent it.

For those of you who have written theses, please give some advice. The best advice might be "chill out" but I have a hard time doing that. See every extra day that I spend on it makes the whole schedule for the next month trickier. I want need to give the thesis to the Prof, get his approval (for which I'm budgeting a week, tops), give it to the other members of the thesis committee, let them review it, make their suggested revisions and then submit it to grad studies. That's all fine, but I need to make it to Provo for a couple of weeks too, so I can see my whole family and spend some time with my son, who I haven't seen for 13 days. In fact, in the last 28 days, I've only spent 8 with him. Here, want a picture? Yeah, me too.


That's a few months ago. Obviously, we were in the Doctor's office. Truthfully, he and my husband were in the Dr's office, they just sent me the picture. I was in school. :(

I am having trouble focusing on it. I busted my butt for the last solid week, and every time I look at it, my heart sinks! It's still so rough. The intro is especially weak, so when I START it's just awful. I'll put it away, read a little, then maybe the intro will work itself out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a hands-off kind of writer. I write by reading, it's a zen thing.

So I also want to be back for a stem cell grad class that starts on the 25th of August. And I'm going to miss some med school too. Which if fine, but I'd rather have fun missing school instead of running around printing out the thesis, etc.


They even sleep the same way! Torin's left handed, though. One of the few features he got from me.

I'm totally skipping around. Sorry. I was complaining! Oh yeah, and I was just about to stop complaining. Because I do like all the school I'm skipping between. Grad school. Med school. Other grad school. Rockin'! I shouldn't complain.

And it'll be fine, right? The thesis is almost not crappy. I will work tomorrow, and then on Sunday, and on Monday, and then I'll give it to Prof. I don't know how I'll get his revisions, because I'll be in Utah. But then when I do, I'll make the changes, kick it back to him, give it to the committee, all of which I can do from Utah. Getting their revisions will be tricky, but I can changes stuff in Utah too, but I have to be there to give it to Graduate Studies. Aghrrrr. Somehow, this will work out.

HUGE AHA! moment! (Or ohm moment or whatever.)

Torin and Chris are gone. I finally started to feel better! I've been getting depressed every time they left since this started last year. It's been a year, really, since I've been going from totally happy and functional while they are here to completely depressed and dead when they are gone. I've tried to psyche myself out of it in every way I could. Before I knew what was happening I was drinking a lot. Then when I couldn't drink, I had to study and function, I couldn't focus, I felt panicky and I wanted to hurt myself. I hadn't felt that way since my family fell apart when I was 11, and I felt that way until I went to Argentina when I was 15. I figured it was just angsty hormonal girl, but there I was, 30+, feeling the same way.

I tried to cope, tried to read about or notice how other people cope with being away from their families. Nothing seemed reasonable or good. It looked like my choices were to become indifferent or angry, to pretend I preferred it when they are gone, or, the maybe the least destructive, to drink a whole lot of alcohol. Just to be clear,

We reevaluated our situation a million times. Every time, it seemed like this was the best thing to do in the long run, and knowing this, I just felt like while sure it's a sacrifice, it's one that will benefit us all maximally in the long run.

I don't know what happened today but something inside me broke. It's like I finally accepted my sadness, and I've surrendered to it. Now, all I can do is deal with it. What I do now is my choice, and I choose to be happy, to want my family more than anything, and knowing they are happy and that our relationship is strong, I chose to be okay. And now I'm doing something that I haven't been able in a damn long time. Crying like a baby. I'm just so grateful.

Sorry for the delay. I'll treat the three of you to a lovely picture. Here you go:



Now, to more serious matters. First, I should mention that I do rotations at an ob/gyn clinic.

I have to know about YOUR PERSONAL experiences (or ones of a friend) at the ob/gynie that made the whole thing terrible or that made you more comfortable than ever before. Most women hate going to get a pap smear, and, probably as a result, delay it. This obviously has terrible consequences from a public health standpoint. Some of the things I hear that make it easier are things like, when the Dr is doing the exams, she/he should maintain a conversation and eye contact as much as possible. Another positive thing I heard is that the gyn has asked you to relax your muscles and take a deep breath.

There are waaaaaay more negative examples! Too many examples! Some are pretty hilarious or devastatingly upsetting, depending on how much time has passed. (MM says "crisis plus time equals humor.") (That's way way more charming when you put her not-thick-but-not-light-either Argentine accent over it.) Some I've heard:

When asked whether everything looked healthy, the doc said "yeeeesss???" in a questioning voice, as if to say "I've never seen anything like that!"

During an internal exam, the Doctor upon "noticing" that patient is nervous, says "Now I know you've had bigger things than my two fingers in here." Seriously! It's happened!

I want to hear your stories, both good and bad. I will share them with other docs-in-training and we will improve women's health care.

It's the Mother's Day Extravaganza!

So Mother Lovely,  here's a little sneak preview of what you will get to pinch, squeeze, kiss, hug, sing to, clap for and cuddle with sometime soon. I can't wait! 

Mamma-Cita, Have the Loveliest Mothers Week EVER! 

Love, 

tam, torin, and bubs.  xo!

(Uh, yeah, so I just watched this, and I'm sorry about snapping the gum all the time. In case anyone thinks differently, you did teach me better than that! Some of this is a little embarrassing, but in the spirit of "wish-you-were-here", I'll send them as is.)

When life gives you lemons, say "Hurray!"

This is an addendum to my sister's blog that she posted just a little while ago. It's worth a look if you haven't seen if before. It's about our mother. She loves to eat lemons. She eats literally a dozen is a short period of time. Like apples. (Yet she has lovely teeth, that speaks well for her enamel.)

Taking an infant to a restaurant is no easy task. That's why I asked one of my best pals in the whole world The Trufflier go with Bubba and Torin while I was some hours away at a retreat swimming in the waters of Lake Michigan. She's an expert with children. She could get Torin to put his books away by himself when he was just over a year old. Little did she know that taking my son to a restaurant would lead to the uncovering of a deep, dark family secret.

Here he goes!


He tries it...




Wo! Something HUGE is happening inside his mouth! He looks to Vive (L'Trufflier) for reassurance.


...and now he's hooked. He's a lemon-lush. He just can't stop with the lemons!

Apparently, this was so cute that Vive and Bubba had dinner paid for them that night! I was a more than a little jealous! I'm glad I have these pictures! (Thanks, Vive!)

Ever since then, when Torin sees a lemon, he gets downright giddy.

Video of my wacky family. I miss my boys!

Quelly, I meant to send this to you a while ago, but then I decided that Mom and Jen should have it too, so here you (all) go.  It documents some family dynamics perhaps frighteningly well, despite being partially candid. (Suddenly I'm feeling a need to post a flattering picture of me.  I'll doctor one soon.)  We're kind of like three kids, no? Two kids and a baby?  

They'll get back on Monday. I miss them, but this is the first time that I can say that it was better that they were gone. I have been studying or taking an exam 21 hours a day since they left. I needed it too, since I was more than a bit behind. Two more exams and I have my first year of medical school tucked neatly behind me!